Many people living close to someone who is addicted feel that their entire life begins to revolve around someone else's problem. Thoughts, emotions, and daily decisions increasingly become subordinated to what state the loved one is in and how to prevent further consequences. That's exactly why codependency can be so hard to notice. From the outside it looks like care, while inside it's often associated with constant tension, exhaustion, and giving up one's own needs. This text will help check whether the described mechanisms might also apply to you or someone in your environment.
What is codependency?
Codependency is an established pattern of emotional and behavioral functioning that develops in people who are in a close relationship with someone addicted. This phenomenon doesn't just consist of being close to the problem, but in the gradual adaptation of one's entire life to another person's addiction (e.g., drinking). It encompasses thinking, emotions, reactions, and decisions that increasingly serve one's own well-being less and focus more on controlling, mitigating consequences, or predicting the other person's behavior. It's important to remember that codependency is not a character trait or a sign of psychological weakness. It's an adaptive mechanism that arises in response to prolonged stress and emotional tension. In conditions of living with an addicted person, the body and psyche try to maintain balance at any cost, even if it happens at the expense of one's own boundaries and needs. Over time, however, these strategies that were meant to protect begin to deepen the problem themselves.Who is a codependent person?
A codependent person is someone who gradually begins to adapt their functioning to another person's addiction. Thoughts, emotions, and behaviors increasingly concentrate around the problem. As a result, one's own needs and well-being take a back seat. Most often we speak of a person codependent on alcohol in the context of a partner relationship, however codependency on an alcoholic can also apply to other family roles. In practice, these mechanisms often develop in children growing up in families with alcohol problems, adult children of alcoholics (ACoA), as well as parents of addicted individuals. Each of these roles carries different experiences, but the common denominator is prolonged life in uncertainty and a sense of responsibility for the drinking person's behavior. It's worth emphasizing that you don't need to live with an addicted person or be in a partnership with them. Codependency can also apply to siblings, extended family, and sometimes even emotionally involved people outside the family. What matters here is not the formal relationship, but the degree of emotional entanglement and subordination of one's own life to another person's alcohol problem.What does codependency on alcohol consist of?
The mechanism of codependency on alcohol consists of taking on increasing responsibility for the alcoholic's functioning and for the consequences of addiction. In practice, this means constant control of behavior and amount of alcohol consumed, anticipating crises, and attempting to prevent their consequences. A person codependent on an alcoholic often justifies drinking, minimizes the problem, or denies its scale. They take over the drinking person's duties, explain for them at work, to family, or to children. Over-responsibility becomes a way to maintain the appearance of control and relative stability, although in reality it leads to growing emotional exhaustion. See also: From tomorrow I won't drink – why does the alcoholic lie?Characteristics of a codependent person – how does a codependent person behave?
A codependent person often functions in constant tension and a sense of responsibility for others. Their behavior doesn't stem from ill will, but from prolonged life in an unpredictable and burdensome situation.The most common characteristics of a codependent person are:
- strong need to control the situation, behavior and emotions of the addicted person, often combined with constant "vigilance" and anticipating crises,
- need to rescue others and take responsibility for others' decisions, even when it leads to overload and exhaustion,
- difficulty setting boundaries and saying "no," including in situations that are harmful to them,
- guilt that appears when trying to take care of oneself or set a boundary,
- fear of conflict, which causes the codependent person to avoid conversations, confrontations, and expressing their own emotions,
- subordination of one's own needs, plans, and feelings to another person's problem.
Symptoms of codependency – warning signs
Symptoms of codependency can affect emotional, psychological, and somatic spheres and often increase gradually. Many people don't directly connect them with the relationship with the drinking person for a long time, treating them as a normal reaction to stress. The most common warning signs include:- anxiety, worry and excessive alertness related to concerns about the addicted person's behavior,
- low mood, feeling overwhelmed, helpless, or resigned,
- living according to the addicted person's dictates, subordination of plans, decisions, and emotions,
- strong sense of responsibility for others' behavior and health.
Why does a codependent person often not see the problem?
A codependent person very often doesn't perceive their functioning as a problem, because the problem develops gradually and becomes the new norm of daily life. One of the main factors is denial – minimizing the scale of difficulties and the belief that the situation is under control. Thanks to this, it's possible to continue functioning in chronic stress without having to confront reality. Social myths about family relationships also contribute to the entrenchment of codependency. Self-sacrifice for the "good of the family" or rescuing a loved one at any cost is socially rewarded and perceived as proof of love or loyalty. In such a narrative, it's difficult to see the boundary between healthy support and self-destructive involvement that over time begins to harm just as much as the addiction problem itself. Read also: DDD syndrome – children of dysfunctional adultsCan codependency be treated?
Codependency can be addressed through therapeutic work, and improvement in quality of life is possible regardless of whether the addicted person begins treatment. Therapy consists of understanding behaviors that arose in response to prolonged stress. An important element of the recovery process is psychoeducation, that is, gaining knowledge about addiction and the roles that the loved one unconsciously takes on. This allows separating responsibility for one's own life from responsibility for the addicted person's decisions. Therapy provides space to work on emotions, guilt, anxiety, and low self-esteem. An important area is also learning to set boundaries and regain influence over one's own decisions, without the need to control or rescue others. The therapeutic process helps gradually build healthier relationships in which support doesn't mean giving up oneself or taking responsibility for others' behavior. See also: How to deal with an alcoholic – tips for familySupport for codependent persons – when is it worth seeking help?
The moment of seeking help often appears when previous coping methods stop working. A warning sign can be growing mental exhaustion, feeling helpless, loss of control over one's own emotions, or the impression that one's entire life concentrates exclusively around another person's problem. Difficulty resting, chronic anxiety, low mood, or health problems are signs that carrying this situation alone may be too burdensome. It's also worth seeking help when guilt appears with every attempt to take care of oneself, difficulty setting boundaries, or fear of change despite awareness that the current situation is destructive. Specialist support allows looking at the relationship from a distance, naming the problem, and safely beginning the process of regaining influence over one's own life. At Nasz Gabinet, patients can use consultation during which – without judgment and pressure – it's possible to discuss their situation and receive reliable, safe guidance regarding further steps. Such a conversation is often the first step toward real change. Read also: How to wisely set boundaries with a loved one who is addictedCodependency and treatment of the addicted person – why aren't they the same?
A common mistake is the belief that if the addicted person begins treatment, the codependency problem will resolve itself. In practice, mechanisms of control, over-responsibility, and anxiety often persist regardless of the other person's current state. Therefore, therapeutic support for codependents is needed even when the addicted person is in treatment or has limited substances. Addiction treatment increases chances of situation stabilization, while working with codependency allows regaining a sense of influence over one's own life, learning to set boundaries, and building relationships based on responsibility rather than self-sacrifice. See also: Where to seek help for an alcoholic?Sources
Hędzelek M., Wnuk M., Marcinkowski J.T., Choroba współuzależnienia od alkoholu – diagnoza, konsekwencje, leczenie, https://www.researchgate.net/profile/MarcinWnuk/publication/303844232 Timmen L., Cermak M.D., Diagnostic Criteria for Codependency, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02791072.1986.10524475:::cta Need help fighting addiction? Our specialists are ready to help you. Call or schedule an online visit. Call: 880 808 880 | Schedule visit :::
